I hate sitting here in idle. Ive been an active person all my life. Up early in the morning and up all night until everyone has gone to bed. Its a stark contrast from working over 12 hours a day 4 days a week and being force mandated to work more. To nothing. I hate sitting here with my hands tied. I feel like i need to do something or go somewhere. I have a plethora of hobbies and ways of keeping myself busy but nothing satiates the appitite of working. At least working as a paramedic instructor will help greatly in that. I know im really good at medicine and teaching and would “scratch that itch”. A paramedic instructor job would allow me to use what im good at but also lets me have a normal life and the ability to heal from my previous one. but time might be running out. The hearing between the union, myself and Falck. Even if I win, I dont think the paramedic job is stable enough as in income by itself. If i win they would reinstate me full time. I would go back to my old life. But a person never walks into the same river twice, for it is not the same river and i am certainly not the same man i once was. I have changed. dramatically. Struggling to survive will do that to you. being homeless will do that to you. Going hungry will do that to you. I found healthy ways to heal. Board games and Dungeons and Dragons have done more for me in the long run than all of my therapy sessions. Ive had several therapists and i feel they seldom had anything useful or tangible for me to use. It was often “what do you want to talk about today” and then “ok so our next session is a month and a half from now”. I feel like all i did was talk and when I had to ask or literally pull an useful answer out of them it was “quit your job, leave your girlfriend and go meditate”. Meditation was the most useful thing they told me to do which is marginally helpful. It is helpful. but… marginally. The other 2 suggestions they can shove up their ass. This is late stage capitalism. Medicine is all i have as a means to making a livable wage. I tried looking for other jobs. Its wages from the 1950’s with 2024 prices. A minimum wage job barely covers the groceries let alone anything else. Back to the Falck hearing I hope at minimum justice is served. I have feel listened to by Kathy, the lawyer provided by the union. We have talked every Tuesday at 10am for the last month and a half. She really understands my story. So whatever happens after that im happy with. As long as my story is told. Im not a bad person. Im not trying to get away with anything. I was never trying to work the system or do anything sneaky. I was really fucking good at my job. I just struggled with everything that came with it. Long hours. Stress that would silently kill you. I mean that. Stress is the silent killer. I can remember sitting in the ambulance really trying to analyze myself saying “look at me. Im just chillin here waiting for a call playing Borderlands 2 on my switch. Im definitely not stressed.” But i was. I was and i didnt know it… but my body did. My Rosacea would break out on my face due to stress. My hair would get super flaky the more stressed I got and these are just the physical manifestations of it. Who knows of the demon that was lurking underneath. Both in my body but also mentally. Have no life and no friends. Work is all we know. Work is all we have time for. We were so exhausted from the day only someone in their 20’s could muster up enough energy to work out after a 14 hour day and get enough decent sleep for another 14 hour day the next day. Like i said, I wasnt trying to pull any fast ones on the company. I was sick and I was managing the symptoms the best I could. On top of a divorce, COVID, mom moving away and just everything. Its no wonder I cant convince myself to be excited enough to go back. Especially after I was burned. I want nothing more than to run into the woods and retire forever. I could make it too. I know I could. Since thats no feasible under capitalism I want to go back to school. I want to study biology. More specially how the ecosystem works and interacts together. More specially in hard to reach places like the Amazon or Alaska. The harder to reach and seldom studies places. More specially do document the death of our planet. Earth is certainly dying and its our fault. Large of amounts of species are dying every day. Right now is our chance to document everything. If by some miracle our species survives maybe we can offer them a better glimpse of what life was like. Also it would give me a chance to get as far away as I can just like I want to. While also serving future generations in some capacity… i guess. I dont feel like im really conveying what im trying to say accurately but its the best I can do right now. They say PTSD can really mess with you memory and cognitive functions and boy can I feel it. This isnt just turning 30. Im having trouble remembering shit I really should be remembering. My spelling and grammar was already trash and I know that. Thats why I hate writing as it is. But im afraid if I dont write it down then one day ill forget. Ill forget and be forgotten. So I write. Horribly. But I try to do it. I got into photography and today im going to try and learn how to edit videos. Hopefully so one day I wont forget. Or at least forget less. For what is not saved is forever lost.