Slow drift

I feel myself secluding myself from everyone and everything. The past 4 days I’ve had raging anxiety that I can’t explain. I don’t usually if ever get anxious but it was a persistent feeling of panic (as if the world was ending) and paranoia. A good example of this is how I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill for .34mi before a wave an anxiety overcame me. I looked around in disbelief that the world was ending, the apocalypse is here and were all pretending like everything is normal. Like nothing happened. I practically ran home in the hopes of “prepping”. When really all I did was clean the kitchen. I guess not a bad ending. I feel I have pushed away everyone that has gotten close to me and I think its hard for me to make friends. Its probably me. Im sure I am the problem. I try tho. I go to the bar or board game events and try to be nice and happy and make friends but not much sticks. In all honesty I feel like these are all superficial conversations anyway. We might as well be taking about the weather. Still, I talk about the weather with a smile and see what other opinions are. At least those who are interesting. I broke up with my friend, my roommate moved out (without me finding a replacement). I haven’t talked to my sister ever since we got into a fight last year. The divorce people have been calling about this paperwork and that paperwork that I haven’t filed yet. Im reclusive but I don’t think its totally my doing. I am lonely. Very lonely. It amazing. How at one time I was married. Thought I would be hired by a fire department (and probably would have). We were looking at buying a house. I had a great job. Everything seemed great. There was a plan and we were on track. Then one random Wednesday night everything fell. Its amazing how fast things can change in the blink of an eye. One moment everything is sunshine and rainbows and the next youre on a death spiral. Life is a rollercoaster I guess. I feel like I’ve been on the down for awhile. Not sure how or when things will come back up. I used to love things like painting dungeons and dragons figures, playing dnd, ham radio and geocaching. Now I don’t have any desire for any of it. I want to get away. Forever. I want to move to a different place. I know all my problems won’t go away and new ones will arise. But I’m so tired of being here.

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